Random Thoughts

Up until 4 or 5 years ago, I did not believe in the possibility of God existing.  I didn't believe that the Bible was written by anyone special.  Never looked at it.  I didn't trust religious stories or leaders.  Never entered a church or any place of practice growing up.  I didn't even want to listen to anyone talk to me about God.  I was rude and obnoxious to others and I didn't properly respect other people's thoughts.  I wanted to be rich and have a lot of power - that would make me happy.  I didn't need religion to satisfy me.  

I still don't know what to think about anything, but my mind is open to all perspectives.  I'll listen to anyone and read everything I can.  About a year ago, I set aside an hour or so a night to the read the Bible for a while.  I started praying. Of course, I didn't really know who I was praying to, but I tried.

I'm not sure how this change came about and I don't really know where I am going with this post.  I also don't want to talk about me that much, but I will say that being open-minded has provided me with more comfort and stability internally.  The struggle for knowledge satisfies me and makes me feel like I am actually accomplishing something.  At the same time, I'm not sure if I am really learning anything, and I am still as lost as ever.  I don't know the best way to utilize my time.

I've read many reasons why and why not to believe in God, but these are the basic reasons why I want to believe in God.  These could be selfish desires that are never realizable and maybe it's wrong of me to think that I should ever attain them.

1.  Eternal life.  Death frightens me.  How can life be so tragic?

2.  Happiness.  While I may be temporarily distracted and happy at times, my overall existence is miserable.  I'm dissatisfied with my actions and with my lack of knowledge.  I don't see how I will ever be happy in this life.  Maybe it's wrong of me to think I should even be happy.

3.  Purpose.  What should I be doing?

4.  Understanding.  Why do humans and this world exist?  How did this all happen?

5.  Morality.  I want to believe that all humans are good and have a God-given sense of morality.  I'd like for every human to be valued equally and treated with respect.